“I know who I am, I’m a dude playing a dude pretending to be a dude.” Kirk Lazarus, Tropic ThunderBefore I arrived at Esalen I was a different person than the one I took possession of upon arrival, Daniel Maddox became Sunlaw D, and all the things that defined Daniel during the last few years died with his name, or at least that’s what I hoped to accomplish long enough to gain some clarity and perspective on my life and the world I lived with day to day.Daniel had become a fanatical anti-establishment anarchist whose aims were awakening people with knowledge he had gathered from an eclectic array of sources in books, personal experiences and of course the ever convoluted web of data we call the internet.Of course I couldn’t simply share these sources of data In hopes that others would dig through them in the same way I had, no, my principle methodology was that of terrorizing and dominating others anyway I could. Living in terror every day for many years can twist the fabric of our being in ways few other circumstances can bring about, I was no different, and many suffered because of it.That Daniel still lives within me now, but the force of fear that created him is but a whisper now, overshadowed by the Love flowing through me, the Love that took the efforts of so many hearts of gold and the agonizing moments of strenuous conversation with them to nourish it within me.It’s not a stretch to say almost everyone gets attached to and identifies heavily with an idea, object or circumstance, but what does one do when they’ve moved on in life from something that, “once was they’re life,” something they felt so totally committed to at one point that it seemed there was no turning back, but then something changed, something so big it altered the way they thought, felt and acted in the world?The things that drive us as individuals and even as a collective, often require us to mold ourselves into patterns that will effectively meet those drives for use in the real world, these patterns of behavior become the personality or character we put on, like a tuxedo at a wedding, or a spacesuit for a high orbit flight in order to complete the tasks we set out to accomplish. They are modes of being set apart from our core selves, like the many settings of a garden hose spray gun, each one a limitation and modification of the pure unhindered water flowing behind it.While in the pure soul consciousness there is no need for modification of self and we exist as a totality free from any notion of separateness. While in the physical domain the need for modification and taking up of character/s can be high, some excel at this, others not so much, and it is the ability or lack thereof, coupled with the circumstances of our daily lives, that make up the meat of what we call our lives.My life has been filled with an array of characters, not only those whom I’ve met along the way but also those characters I’ve taken on for myself when I found my own personality lacking in certain qualities and traits needed to fill the gaps of my knowledge, ability and completeness as a responsible being. These characters also served as the means by which I avoided the pains of childhood and navigated life with to suit my own ends. You could say each personality was unique and thus real, but in effect they were only facades to cover up my own fear.In the beginning of my stay here it took nearly every bit of my will power to be able to exist in harmony at Esalen without going back to the Daniel of old, there was not a day that went by where I was within earshot of conversations concerning things I would have interjected myself into and taken over with raw determination and absolute conviction, seeking only to dominate all aspects of the conversation in my favor. I had every intention of shaming, dominating and humiliating others into “seeing things my way” after all it was for their own good, and the ends (saving the planet and the human species) always justified the means.I had become the fanatic that I was through a variety of means, first, it was already a part of my nature, or at least the part of my pain protection mechanisms left over from my own families near total lack of communication skills and the drama plays we each employed to deal with that dysfunction.Second, I listened to one fringe source after the next day after day for years on end, such as the transhumanist Ray Kurzweil (who believes humanities only chance for survival is to merge with machines and upload our consciousnesses into the AI hive mind and live forever, who now works for Google I might add)Radical radio hosts such as Alex Jones (whose had Trump on his show before and after the election and claims he got him elected, is most infamous for his epic out of control rants and denouncing 9/11 and most of the mass shootings in the USA and around the world as nothing but False Flags “false narratives, created events” to steer the general consciousness of the populace into fear and thus willing to abandon their rights to the government and thus the dark forces who created the attacks can mold society to their needs, which is that of total global hegemony, a global super state, and the end of Freedom for the masses)Mark Passio (a former priest in the Church of Satan who is now an anarchist “An = without arch = ruler, = no rulers and no slaves” and Natural Law (Golden rule, gravity, cause and effect) advocate whose message boils down to Government is Slavery) and many others whose radicalism is well known to the general public and even coveted by their own followers, including me at the time.Through each intense experience of devoting myself to these cults of personalities I learned a great deal about the dark side of our world, but no matter what I learned it brought me no closer to understanding myself or to reaching others in any meaningful way and all I gained was a great darkness within me that I could do nothing but share with others, spreading it like wildfire to all I encountered. I remember so many moments with family and friends, the most uncomfortable kind, where tears filled the faces of those I loved, and all I could see was cowardice in them, I felt nothing, or so I let myself believe, of course I felt the weight of my actions bringing down everyone around me, but in that state of being all I could do was lash out at a world I had grown to hate and loath, I had become the very instrument of destruction I had sworn to defend the world against.All of this madness culminated in the dropping out of society completely, abandoning a beer business I had started with a childhood friend, refusing to pay taxes, emptying and closing bank accounts, quitting social media, throwing away friendships and preparing for the end times, rifle and rations at the ready.This was a short lived but altogether meaningful experience for me that brought me once more to the doorstep of fate, falling in love with a Goddess and her son who loved me for who I was at the soul level, and not the character I wore like a suit of thorned armor to protect me and attack others. That beautiful relationship has continued to this day but has ended and began anew like the mythical phoenix from its own ashes a few times already, for I was far from cured of my madness upon meeting them, and have further still to go.It was those moments of breaking away from them that I found myself on the Run For Salmon in 2018, walking, running, boating, cycling, horseback riding and canoeing all the way from Oakland to Shasta mountain, it is a ceremonial and political activist movement to restore the salmon population in the Shasta river by creating a ladder for them to ascend the Shasta dam and thus spawn there as they have for millennia, or at least did before the dam went up.On this journey I learned many valuable lessons but the most important of all was when I was kicked off the run by the Native leader who I had spent the most time with and gotten closest with. He did so because during the last days of the journey I was sitting at the campfire with the group explaining how the Dark occult (Those who hide knowledge and mislead others for their own gain, ie luceferians and Satanists) use numbers and symbol to do their work on the masses.I went into Satanism and its role in this agenda and the native leader came to the fire at this moment, asked me what purpose it served for the Salmon run, wanted me to stop, but I didn’t. He then circled the whole camp chanting and cleansing the area. While I was sleeping a group of men came into camp with swastikas on their heads and stole some things from the group.The next day, just before getting on the boat to finish the run, I was pulled aside by two white helpers and escorted back to my car, I was told that the elders agreed I was a bad influence and must leave. In total shock, and heartbroken for the first time in a long time, I could barely utter the only words I said to them before leaving, “Blessings” I got out of the car and drove away.My sister Michelle called me soon after to see if I was ok, apparently the helpers were quite worried about me since I had only said one word and left, I was not the first to be booted from the run, and others had taken to violence in response. I told her I was ok and just needed time to think.I returned to some of the places we camped on the run and sat for a good while staring into the river, thinking about all that had happened, and everything I had intended, but failed to accomplish as usual via my own radical energies and lack of Love and healthy connection to myself.Soon after the Run for Salmon I was asked If I would be willing to assist a family friend’s business partner transition from life to death, as he was dying of diabetes and had no one else to look after him I spent three weeks with him as a hospice care giver. Through this experience I was able to break free of my self-imposed exile from society, and once Henry passed on I was offered a Temporary full time position to cover one of the night time dishwashers at Esalen over the course of 30 days. It took all but 3 seconds for me to accept the offer, even though I thought, rather naively that it could somehow be an untaxed job, I found out it was taxed and accepted it anyways. I had reached the point of surrender to the new life I was to live and the synchronicities that had lead me to this point, all signs led to Esalen, it was there I was to find the just how deep my own identity crisis was, and also the means to overcome them.
TRUE ESALEN - WEEK 5 - VUJA DE
D, you skipped a week, what happened? Um, Staff Week happened, and as usual, that which happens outside of the public eye, stays out of the public eye, and I shall honor that tradition. Suffice it to say, the accumulated stress of a chaotic years work for the Esalen crew was released, relieved and exorcised in various ways, friendships and working relationships were forged and or strengthened, beef was squashed and minds temporarily lost in the process. I enjoyed myself very much and learned who was who in the company, who was where, and for some, why they were who they were. Staff week is a very special time for the Esalen employees, having only worked here a few weeks and still being in the honeymoon phase, I can hardly imagine just how special, and how needed of a release it is for the veterans among us. Seeing as I plan on spending at least a year here, I can look forward to understanding that need better upon my next Staff Week.Now that we’ve covered the missing week, I’d like to talk about an experience I’ve had ever since I first set foot on Esalen as a member of its crew. At some point in our lives we get the feeling that we've been where we’re at before, done exactly what we’re doing at that moment in a dream or in another dimension. We know this phenomenon as Deja Vu, but that fancy name doesn't answer the big questions that go along with it, such as where do these thoughts come from, How do we make sense of simultaneously remembering and experiencing the same thing happening in the now?I could list off a number of theories, but I won't because that's not what I'm talking about here. What I'm talking about is Vuja De, the intense feeling that you've definitely never been to or done what you're doing, but is exactly where you are supposed to be. The sensation is just like it's much more famous cousin, but more rare, because people are far less likely to know they are in the right place, doing exactly what they should be doing, than they are capable of remembering their futures via the usual astral projection done during sleep. It sounds crazy, because it is, but I remember a ton of people talking about Deja Vu moments but hardly if ever talking about the same feeling associated with where they should be but never were before.Some kinds of Deja Vu aren't at all pleasant, just the other day during my 6am dish washing shift, the OG kitchen hand Eric, who has been at Esalen much longer than me and knows the job so well he can do it blindfolded said, rather lamentingly, that no matter what day it was, or what he's doing is in the kitchen, its Déjà vu six ways to Monday, “The dishes are endless bro, fucking endless. Soon as you think you’re done, you go take a piss, and when you come back it’s another heap of dirty dishes staring you down with more coming in, 900 plates of food a day man! You learn to be Zen real quick in the pong bro, that or you don’t make it”Eric’s words were prolific, my first two weeks here I was one of two temporary full time shoe inns, the other guy just couldn’t hang, pond had him surrounded on all sides by his insecurities and negative self-talk, he was gone before anyone got to know him, not that anyone really wanted to, sadly. Esalen is a wondrous place, but it’s a cruel mistress to those that have yet to fully commit to their shadows and to serve the light, especially when you’re trying to work here, being a student is one thing, but living and working here is another bag of marbles entirely. The Kitchen is ground zero for the whole community and if you’re not jiving with the rest of the crew in the pond, then you get axed and that’s a wrap for your Esalen journey. Call it harsh, yeah, but that’s the way of things here, and personally I think it serves a greater purpose than just keeping people fed.You might be wondering why they call my part of the kitchen the pond, well I can tell you it’s not just for shits and giggles, or because were getting wet most of the day, or even because there are over 20 rubber ducky’s of unique design there with which we can choose to represent ourselves while we work, no, they call it the pond, and we, the ducks who work in it, because some lost soul who had an epiphany a few years back while doing the dishes received instructions from on high and wrote up a manifesto, laying out the whole great mission of the pond and its ducklings. Being the inspired piece that it was, it came with its own gave bad ass acronym as well, “Dishwashers United Cleansing Karma Syndicate.”Pretty cool huh? You should see this manifesto too, it’s a real piece of work, it would even give Karl Marx a run for his daily government dole. Here at Esalen we may work like socialists, for the good of the community and all, but we get paid in more than just monopoly money (federal reserve notes), we get karma cleansing tokens from the beyond, staking racks in our astral bank accounts for use in later experiences in the timeless continuum, and that kind of reward is worth more than you can know.#Esalen #BigSur #spiritpath #VujaDe
