True Esalen: History's Mysteries

It was the day before the new year and I had met Cara, who used to work at the Gazeebo school for several years, she was telling me all about the way things used to be at Esalen, a very common theme for conversations here, and while we were talking another group of people that had come to Esalen together from San Francisco joined in the conversation.

They wanted to know if I worked at Esalen, a question I was asked frequently, must have been the vibe I put out. Anyways I told them I did indeed work there and they were quick to befriend me, wanting to pick my brain about anything and everything they could regarding the place. They told me it had been there collective dream to come together for many years and only now had been able to make it a reality.

"You've come at the perfect time." I said, "Ohh? Why is that?" they asked. "It's always the perfect time to be at Esalen, no time is ever the same and everyone you meet, everything you experience, is meant to be." I said. And we decided to meet back up later.

A lot of people come from that city in particular, and have been since before even the institute existed, due in large part because of San Francisco's gay population, which is free to express itself at Esalen, but also because the city harbors liberal ideals, and has for a very long time. The most famous part of this attribute is when Hunter S Thompson was the gate guard for Esalen, and a group of gay men had tried seducing him into the hot springs, he refused and then they attacked him, throwing him over the side of the cliff. Mr. Thompson reportedly got his gun and shot at the group.

Another incident or perhaps the same one I'm not sure also involves a group of gay men who refused to leave the tubs when asked, this is before the institute existed, when Michael Murphy went to the state police for help the trooper told him, and I'm paraphrasing here from the story Michael told me, "I ain't sending my men down there with all you weirdos. Got any guns?" he said, "no" said Murphy, "Well if you want my advice, get yourself some guns, and run those weirdos out of there." and that's exactly what Murphy did.

Now back to the group I was with, we finally met up again and they asked me if id take them into the canyon, to be their guide. I happily accepted, Cara came too. We took off from the lodge together and I led the group down the newly paved hill next to the laundry room, through the old gate with a rock attached to a metal pully that kept it closed. We stopped a moment on the bridge that took us from one side of the property to the next, which had Tibetan prayer flags strewn across it and was actually quite narrow, with only one guardrail on the eastern side of it.

I've taken people there before since who refused to pass over it, feeling too uncomfortable with it to take the risk. It's not very high, but if you fell I guarantee it would not be a fun experience, even if you somehow managed to avoid all the rocks and hit the water, you'd certainly hit a rock immediately after that as the water pushed you down the river.

After that I took the to the side of the river to show them the pipe systems that draw water directly from the river and feed all of Esalens needs. There is a concrete reseviour system built into the side of the hill which water pools into, then a mesh sifts out any debris and pulls the water into holding tanks, above the property, where they are treated for legal reasons, the minimal level possible so I'm told, and then put into other tanks for distribution through out the entire institute.

One of the things that makes Esalen so special is the amount of fresh spring water that comes out of the ground at all times. If you read the book Esalen: America and the Religion of No Religion, you'll find that it says millions of gallons come out of the ground alone daily. But what makes the river water special is that it is some of the cleanest water in California, because there are no farms or industries up river to pollute it.

Anyways, I showed them that and then we continued on the trail, passing the hobbit house to the left, a marvelous little wooden cabin that only the chosen few it calls to it may live in. It says, private residence do not disturb, or something like that, but that doesn't stop people from going in anyways. Like Pippen from lord of the rings, they just can't help but look.

After that we rounded a few corners and I stopped them at the place where Richard Price, the cocreator of the institute, was found dead, supposedly from a fall while hiking, or murdered, depending on who you talk to. Why would anyone want to murder him you ask? Well, the way I heard it, it had something to do with the way Esalen was structured, the age old questions of "who has the power, who controls the way things are run?" As I've said before Esalen is a fascinating place full of wonderful people, but also surrounded by an air of intrigue and avarice. It's a gathering place of very powerful people and organizations, even the CIA and KGB met here to discuss "world peace" during the cold war. It's also a place for people to gather in order to find themselves. And many, are willing to fight in order to keep a part of it for themselves.

While I was explaining all this to the San Franciscans, I noticed that everyone was enraptured by my every word, not just out of scholarly interest but in... more profound ways, something about it made me suspicious, but I said nothing and took them across the fallen tree that brought us to the souther side of the river again. From there we entered the large open area I had first visited on the Solstice, we hung out a short while and they wanted me to lead them further on.

"I'll go with, yeah sure, but this is the furthest I've been, so we'll be discovering it together." I said. "That's fine, lead the way." They said. And so we went 10 minutes or so further until reaching a dead end to the trail following the river, the only way forward was to go up a rather steep and treacherous path that cut back and forth up the hillside. Cara turned to me and said she was rather tired and would rather leave, but the group wanted to continue on. Having led them that far I felt responsible to them but they insisted I go with Cara, so I did.

On the walk back we talked about psychedelics and their roles in our lives, she admitted that she was curious about how they would be for her after a bad trip so many years ago. "Place and Setting, Mind and Being." I told her.

We went to the lodge and wrote out what we want to leave behind in 2018 and what we're embracing for 2019, then shared our results. setting fire to the slips of paper the moment before midnight December 31st 2018.

Later the next day the group returned to me and said they were sorry for how they were acting yesterday, "Yeah I noticed something was off." I said. "yeah... we were all high on acid. I should have told you." I laughed and shook my head, "Yeah that would have been good information to have..." And so it was, one wild year come and gone in the outside world, passing into the next within the bubble within a bubble, within a bubble, that is Esalen. And just like the year before, but even more so, I could have no idea then, what was in store for me there.

P.S. If your interested in more in depth views of Esalen, written by those who lived and worked there, you may find great interest in the following webpage http://www.esaleaks.org/ but you wont find much because the site was mysteriously hacked and shut down.

True Esalen : The Kitchen Crew

No experience can quite match the one we have our first time, regardless of what it is were talking about. Esalen typifies this reality like no other place can. And just like all the other experiences we have that only exist once in a moment of time, never to be relived no matter what we do, we still try. The phrase, "chasing the dragon" comes to mind, not just in its original context, as in trying to get the same high you had your first time doing a drug, but also trying to recreate the magic you felt when first arriving there. I distinctly remember being in a state of constant wonder and bewilderment the first few months I was there. Something that was just as easily seen and understood by the long time staff members, as though it was written on my face like a traffic sign. They would tell me this effect wears off and the True Esalen would reveal itself to me soon enough. Of course I was so under its spell I couldn't believe it, I didn't want to believe it.

One thing however stayed with me through out my entire 15 months at Esalen, and that was the Original Crew that I lived and worked with. To me these people represented the whose who of the Institute, not only because they taught me everything they could about the place and the job, but because they became my family, and like all families there are branches that stem off from the main line closest to your experience. And there are a few branches that tend to stick together, these are the Massage crew, maintenance, house keeping, kitchen, and lastly management, HR being its own universe entirely. For me the main line of the Esalen family was the kitchen staff, because that's where I worked everyday, and was filled with the people I spent the most time with "outside of work" a strange concept considering we live and work on property, a fact made even more complicated considering Esalen is a place for people to face their shadows, drop their baggage and heal, and get naked too. All of these factors made the work/life environment one that is totally unique, not just for the staff, but also the guests we interacted with.

The whole time I was there Michael Larouch was the Executive Chef, he had come to Esalen reluctantly just wanting to do his art and travel, but fate had other plans for him. Through his expert skills and contacts with other highly competent cooks and chefs who he'd worked with before, the Kitchen finally worked through a whole slew of problems that had nearly caused many people to lose their minds. I wont go into specifics, but basically Hells Kitchen would be a light way of putting it. The crew that he brought in was Michael Bonham, a young and passionate chef, who we all called Bonham because there can't be two people with the same name in the kitchen, especially not the two chefs, he loved to make his own beer and pizza too, and everyone loved him for it. Then there was Corey, who is by all intents and purposes straight out of Lord of The rings, he was famous for having second breakfast once a week and playing the lord of the rings soundtrack the whole day. I've never met anyone who so embodied a loving forest dwelling spirit. He loves lord of the rings and lived in one of the most reclusive houses on property, lost in the woods. I owe him a great thanks for his kindness and humor in the face of all the trails and tribulations we faced working together, and for turning me on to the series and other works by Tolkien such as the Silmarillion.

There was Emily who was the kitchen manager I believe, and was always good with asking us what we needed. Sarah who worked tirelessly to make the best deserts and to keep the spirit light when it got heavy, which it did, constantly. Johnny Blunt was one of the guys who I vibed with the most, he could do everything in the kitchen because he had worked there for almost 30 years and was a wealth of knowledge about the history of Esalen. A subject that he brought up almost everyday in the light of, it used to be this way or that. Johnny was fearless in the face of anyone trampling on his home and life's work, of which there were many. He was the source of endless inspiration and boon to me and the other staff members, often leading us in some new exercise or way of having a check in. Plus we would constantly quote star wars together and start screaming like monkeys, something that I'm sure both confused, intrigued and scared those caught unaware of kitchen antics. Edson was probably the youngest person on the crew, a flamboyant man with a flare for laughing out loud and entertaining himself and others with his intricate stories and plans for the future. He had studied with the CIA and no I don't mean the Central Intelligence Agency, I'm talking about the Culinary Institute of America, and like to make many artistic foods.

Gilberto Senior is the master Mariachi player who I spoke of earlier, the one that played me "My way." he along with his son Gil and nephew Aldo trained me on the night crew, which works 4pm to midnight cleaning the whole kitchen top to bottom every night. I fell in love with them first because I only saw the other crew for 2-3 hours before they were off, and we spent long hours cleaning an empty kitchen, with only the blaring radio and our own broken English conversations to keep us company.

Then there is an auxiliary to the kitchen staff known as the juice bar, which almost seemed like the black sheep of the family because there were plenty of territorial fights and struggles for power and privelage that went on between us. Lisa ran the juice bar, a lovely woman who has a heart of gold and worked tirelessly to make it a reality. The people who worked with her was Dominique, a man who basically lived in his Toyota Prius the entire time he worked there and who would become a fixture of the Esalen music scene around the campfire, filling thousands of hearts and minds with his enchanting music. (more on this later) Olivia a tall Amazonian type woman who went by Liv, and had a very strong independent vibe. And Rosemary, a woman with great flare and tact in conversation who only worked a few days a week and actually lived way up north, commuting back and forth each time.

Lastly there was Eddie, a temp night worker the same as me who, despite his wonderful music played around the firepit, was stuck in a negative mind set which bled over to other members of the crew. It was his departure which secured my full time position on the day time kitchen crew and also my first lesson in how precarious and fleeting ones position really was at Esalen. Luckily I was not attached to Eddie, but there would be others let go that I loved dearly and whose departures left definite marks upon me and the other staff members.

These people made up the original Kitchen crew, and although the majority of them would remain, many came and went. Including the Month long students that worked with us everyday, who would also leave. It was a revolving door of souls whose lives we touched and histories we learned. And I don't mean just in passing conversations, for thanks to the policy of "check ins" a process by once a day we stop everything were doing and check in with where we are, what were feeling, hoping, or just thinking in general, we got to know each other in ways I had never before experienced, and I know it was the same for practically everyone there as well. And so you have it, a glimpse into the Esalen Kitchen crew December of 2018, a moment in time I shall cherish forever.

Chapter 2 : Identity Crisis - Fear and Love at the Forge of Fate.

“I know who I am, I’m a dude playing a dude pretending to be a dude.” Kirk Lazarus, Tropic ThunderBefore I arrived at Esalen I was a different person than the one I took possession of upon arrival, Daniel Maddox became Sunlaw D, and all the things that defined Daniel during the last few years died with his name, or at least that’s what I hoped to accomplish long enough to gain some clarity and perspective on my life and the world I lived with day to day.Daniel had become a fanatical anti-establishment anarchist whose aims were awakening people with knowledge he had gathered from an eclectic array of sources in books, personal experiences and of course the ever convoluted web of data we call the internet.Of course I couldn’t simply share these sources of data In hopes that others would dig through them in the same way I had, no, my principle methodology was that of terrorizing and dominating others anyway I could. Living in terror every day for many years can twist the fabric of our being in ways few other circumstances can bring about, I was no different, and many suffered because of it.That Daniel still lives within me now, but the force of fear that created him is but a whisper now, overshadowed by the Love flowing through me, the Love that took the efforts of so many hearts of gold and the agonizing moments of strenuous conversation with them to nourish it within me.It’s not a stretch to say almost everyone gets attached to and identifies heavily with an idea, object or circumstance, but what does one do when they’ve moved on in life from something that, “once was they’re life,” something they felt so totally committed to at one point that it seemed there was no turning back, but then something changed, something so big it altered the way they thought, felt and acted in the world?The things that drive us as individuals and even as a collective, often require us to mold ourselves into patterns that will effectively meet those drives for use in the real world, these patterns of behavior become the personality or character we put on, like a tuxedo at a wedding, or a spacesuit for a high orbit flight in order to complete the tasks we set out to accomplish. They are modes of being set apart from our core selves, like the many settings of a garden hose spray gun, each one a limitation and modification of the pure unhindered water flowing behind it.While in the pure soul consciousness there is no need for modification of self and we exist as a totality free from any notion of separateness. While in the physical domain the need for modification and taking up of character/s can be high, some excel at this, others not so much, and it is the ability or lack thereof, coupled with the circumstances of our daily lives, that make up the meat of what we call our lives.My life has been filled with an array of characters, not only those whom I’ve met along the way but also those characters I’ve taken on for myself when I found my own personality lacking in certain qualities and traits needed to fill the gaps of my knowledge, ability and completeness as a responsible being. These characters also served as the means by which I avoided the pains of childhood and navigated life with to suit my own ends. You could say each personality was unique and thus real, but in effect they were only facades to cover up my own fear.In the beginning of my stay here it took nearly every bit of my will power to be able to exist in harmony at Esalen without going back to the Daniel of old, there was not a day that went by where I was within earshot of conversations concerning things I would have interjected myself into and taken over with raw determination and absolute conviction, seeking only to dominate all aspects of the conversation in my favor. I had every intention of shaming, dominating and humiliating others into “seeing things my way” after all it was for their own good, and the ends (saving the planet and the human species) always justified the means.I had become the fanatic that I was through a variety of means, first, it was already a part of my nature, or at least the part of my pain protection mechanisms left over from my own families near total lack of communication skills and the drama plays we each employed to deal with that dysfunction.Second, I listened to one fringe source after the next day after day for years on end, such as the transhumanist Ray Kurzweil (who believes humanities only chance for survival is to merge with machines and upload our consciousnesses into the AI hive mind and live forever, who now works for Google I might add)Radical radio hosts such as Alex Jones (whose had Trump on his show before and after the election and claims he got him elected, is most infamous for his epic out of control rants and denouncing 9/11 and most of the mass shootings in the USA and around the world as nothing but False Flags “false narratives, created events” to steer the general consciousness of the populace into fear and thus willing to abandon their rights to the government and thus the dark forces who created the attacks can mold society to their needs, which is that of total global hegemony, a global super state, and the end of Freedom for the masses)Mark Passio (a former priest in the Church of Satan who is now an anarchist “An = without arch = ruler, = no rulers and no slaves” and Natural Law (Golden rule, gravity, cause and effect) advocate whose message boils down to Government is Slavery) and many others whose radicalism is well known to the general public and even coveted by their own followers, including me at the time.Through each intense experience of devoting myself to these cults of personalities I learned a great deal about the dark side of our world, but no matter what I learned it brought me no closer to understanding myself or to reaching others in any meaningful way and all I gained was a great darkness within me that I could do nothing but share with others, spreading it like wildfire to all I encountered. I remember so many moments with family and friends, the most uncomfortable kind, where tears filled the faces of those I loved, and all I could see was cowardice in them, I felt nothing, or so I let myself believe, of course I felt the weight of my actions bringing down everyone around me, but in that state of being all I could do was lash out at a world I had grown to hate and loath, I had become the very instrument of destruction I had sworn to defend the world against.All of this madness culminated in the dropping out of society completely, abandoning a beer business I had started with a childhood friend, refusing to pay taxes, emptying and closing bank accounts, quitting social media, throwing away friendships and preparing for the end times, rifle and rations at the ready.This was a short lived but altogether meaningful experience for me that brought me once more to the doorstep of fate, falling in love with a Goddess and her son who loved me for who I was at the soul level, and not the character I wore like a suit of thorned armor to protect me and attack others. That beautiful relationship has continued to this day but has ended and began anew like the mythical phoenix from its own ashes a few times already, for I was far from cured of my madness upon meeting them, and have further still to go.It was those moments of breaking away from them that I found myself on the Run For Salmon in 2018, walking, running, boating, cycling, horseback riding and canoeing all the way from Oakland to Shasta mountain, it is a ceremonial and political activist movement to restore the salmon population in the Shasta river by creating a ladder for them to ascend the Shasta dam and thus spawn there as they have for millennia, or at least did before the dam went up.On this journey I learned many valuable lessons but the most important of all was when I was kicked off the run by the Native leader who I had spent the most time with and gotten closest with. He did so because during the last days of the journey I was sitting at the campfire with the group explaining how the Dark occult (Those who hide knowledge and mislead others for their own gain, ie luceferians and Satanists) use numbers and symbol to do their work on the masses.I went into Satanism and its role in this agenda and the native leader came to the fire at this moment, asked me what purpose it served for the Salmon run, wanted me to stop, but I didn’t. He then circled the whole camp chanting and cleansing the area. While I was sleeping a group of men came into camp with swastikas on their heads and stole some things from the group.The next day, just before getting on the boat to finish the run, I was pulled aside by two white helpers and escorted back to my car, I was told that the elders agreed I was a bad influence and must leave. In total shock, and heartbroken for the first time in a long time, I could barely utter the only words I said to them before leaving, “Blessings” I got out of the car and drove away.My sister Michelle called me soon after to see if I was ok, apparently the helpers were quite worried about me since I had only said one word and left, I was not the first to be booted from the run, and others had taken to violence in response. I told her I was ok and just needed time to think.I returned to some of the places we camped on the run and sat for a good while staring into the river, thinking about all that had happened, and everything I had intended, but failed to accomplish as usual via my own radical energies and lack of Love and healthy connection to myself.Soon after the Run for Salmon I was asked If I would be willing to assist a family friend’s business partner transition from life to death, as he was dying of diabetes and had no one else to look after him I spent three weeks with him as a hospice care giver. Through this experience I was able to break free of my self-imposed exile from society, and once Henry passed on I was offered a Temporary full time position to cover one of the night time dishwashers at Esalen over the course of 30 days. It took all but 3 seconds for me to accept the offer, even though I thought, rather naively that it could somehow be an untaxed job, I found out it was taxed and accepted it anyways. I had reached the point of surrender to the new life I was to live and the synchronicities that had lead me to this point, all signs led to Esalen, it was there I was to find the just how deep my own identity crisis was, and also the means to overcome them.