Long ago, well before my descent into despair and depression that marked over 7 years of my life, I saw myself as the mystic teacher of the world, and I acted out that role in a varity of ways for many years, pulling in seekers with my enigmatic magnetism and overactive charm, taking them under my wing and doing what I could to reach passed their inhibitions to the heart of those things troubling them most.This was a doomed effort on my part of course, I could'nt hope to heal anyone while still being so broken myself, but at the time I didnt see myself as broken, quite the opposite in fact, for I was "perfect" better than everyone, and the only one capable of leading humanity out of its wickedness and into the light of "my reason." This should sound pretty familiar, It sounds like I thought I was God, doesn't it? Or the victim of a messiah complex at any rate.This point of view afforded me success in many of the trials and tribulations of childhood. Usually these endeavors, however folly, taught me the value of tenatious and unyielding confidence, but it always came at a price, one I paid but couldn't allow myself to see for what it was.Its a tremendous feeling to be so filled with confidence that you can convince yourself you're the center of the universe, people are drawn to such charisma like moths to the flame, a fitting analogy in many ways, not just for me but for all would be gurus or teachers, ego driven or otherwise.You are always a beacon of light for those in darkness, if you're light is filled with love and care, it cannot so easily burn those following you, but if you're heart is filled with hatred, fear, ego and lust, the light you emit is a poisonous flame, that will inevitably bring further pain and darkess to all about you.My time here at Esalen has brought me closer than I've ever been to a position one might call teacher, or guru, and yet now that It's happening at such a scale and intensity I'm almost afraid to engage in it, my past is behind me, but its shadows still comfort the part of me that yearns for self importance and recognition.I must remember that Im here to serve, not be the focus of the service. In this way, the highest virtues are made manifest and love pours forth easily and without resistence. Towards this end I practice detachment, present awareness and vibrant smiles.